The 2019 How Dare You Awards
Worst Title:
Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw
Jexi (WINNER!)
Stuber
The Art of Racing in the Rain
Where’d You Go, Bernadette
Most Unnecessary Sequel:
47 Meters Down: Uncaged
Glass
Rambo: Last Blood (WINNER!)
Shaft
Toy Story 4
Movie That Took Itself Way, Way Too Seriously:
Brightburn (The same story as Superman if Superman was an evil teenager and started murdering everyone)
Midway (A movie that includes all of Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor, and adds another movie on top of it) (WINNER!)
Serenity (An ex-wife tries to convince her ex-husband to murder her current hubsand?)
The Goldfinch (A boy is blown up in a museum and manages to feel 20 years of guilt for taking a painting)
Where’d You Go, Bernadette (A movie that sold itself as a possible Oscar contender and vanished from theaters in mere minutes.)
Biggest Disappointment:
Cats
Men in Black: International
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
The Kitchen
The Lion King (WINNER!)
Least Successful Reboot or Remake:
Men in Black: International
Pet Sematary
The Hustle
The Lion King (WINNER!)
What Men Want
Most Forgettable Performance by an Oscar Winning Actor:
Mahershala Ali: Alita: Battle Angel
Benicio Del Toro: Dora and the Lost City of Gold
Morgan Freeman: Angel Has Fallen
Matthew McConaughey: Serenity (WINNER!)
Christoph Waltz: Alita: Battle Angel
Most Forgettable Performance by an Oscar Winning Actress:
Jennifer Connelly: Alita: Battle Angel
Anne Hathaway: Serenity
Anne Hathaway: The Hustle (WINNER!)
Nicole Kidman: The Upside
Helen Mirren: Anna
Movie You Least Wanted to See:
Black Christmas
Cats (WINNER!)
Jexi
Serenity
Where’d You Go, Bernadette
Title That Best Fits a Porno Movie:
Cold Pursuit
On the Basis of Sex
Shazam!
Stuber (WINNER!)
The Intruder
Most Formulaic:
A Dog’s Journey: A dog must make his way back to his owner. This time he’ll make it to the owner’s child no matter how many times he dies and is reincarnated. Not to be confused with A Dog’s Purpose (2017)
A Dog’s Way Home: A dog must make her way back to her owner. This time she’ll touch the lives of an orphaned mountain lion, a down-on-his-luck veteran, and some friendly strangers on the way. Not to be confused with A Dog’s Purpose (2017)
The Art of Racing in the Rain: A race car driver would never have found a wife, have a daughter, or be a great racer if it wasn’t for his lovable dog who DOESN’T need to find his way back to his owner but does need to be reincarnated into a man. Not to be confused with A Dog’s Purpose (2017)
Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw: With another Fast & Furious movie coming out and this movie that makes ten movies in the series and officially gives it a formula all its own. It’s all about family, and racing, and saving the world. And family. (WINNER!)
Little: The body switching movie will never die. This time a take-no-prisoners tech mogul switches to the 13 year old version of herself just before the big presentation!
Most Ridiculous Concept:
Brightburn: A mom who always wanted to be a mom gets a chance to be a mom when she finds an alien baby named Brandon. Brandon is a lot like Superman except when he becomes a teenager he does not fight for truth, justice, and the American way. Instead he fills a notebook with terrible drawings, crushes the hand of a classmate, levitates while his eyes glow red, wears a creepy mask with a makeshift cape, and goes on a homicidal rampage. Which leads his mother to say, “I will not abandon my son!”
Cats: Okay, stick with me because this was alway weird even for the stage play. A group of cats must decide each year which one cat gets to move on and ascend to the Heaviside Layer and get a new life. They are chosen by singing but only a total of about four cats sing and then Judi Dench chooses the one cat before reminding the audience that cats are not dogs. Got that? (WINNER!)
Gemini Man: Here’s the actual description of this movie. Henry Brogan is an elite 51-year-old assassin who’s ready to call it quits after completing his 72nd job. His plans get turned upside down when he becomes the target of a mysterious operative who can seemingly predict his every move. To his horror Brogan soon learns that the man who’s trying to kill him is a younger, faster, cloned version of himself.
Jexi: Phil is addicted to his phone but upon upgrading to a new phone with an artificial intelligence life coach he begins to get a real life and stops paying attention to his phone which forces the phone to start a technical nightmare in order to keep Phil all to itself.
Stuber: For reasons passing understanding a quick-tempered cop who is recovering from eye surgery simply can not wait to recover and recruits a mild-mannered Uber drive to help him catch the heroin dealer who murdered his partner.